Thursday, August 28, 2008

She is with God

She is with God…
Written in August 2008
It is so simple,
Tikva is with God…
Says Dahlia…
And Dahlia knows…
God is a simple way for a four (and a half) year old to accept death…
So…, what’s wrong with being simplistic…
Why am I writing this… why am I addressing the most important question in the universe… the meaning of life and the meaning of death…
Am I playing with words… as an easy way out… as a way to avoid the meaning of death… or as a way to avoid the inevitable… as a way to avoid death…
Why… why did my little angel die… I already know that… I already said that… she was too tired of suffering… of suffering every breath she was taking… I remember looking at her breathe and thinking what short breaths she was taking… Vai con Dio… my little one… you will always be in my heart…
What is a coincidence… why did my generator (Cyborg) break down on the day I had to go to Tikva’s farewell… to my granddaughter’s goodbye I remember how distant to Tikva I felt when I was shaking vigorously… I felt so much out of touch with the world… just me and my shaking… was this a reminder… to tell me that I am still disabled, and that my Cyborg is just a stop-gap… a temporary stop-gap…

Did I lose all my optimism for the future… can I allow my emotions to control me… the facts…
My generator implant (the one that makes me a Cyborg) all of a sudden stopped…and
The portable remote generator which I keep for cases like these broke down too… so it was impossible for me to function…
Also when I called Stanford Hospital they told me that they could do nothing till Monday (it was Friday)…
Coincidence… or Murphy’s law…
Am I condemned to live with Murphy breathing on my neck all the time…

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